Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You have to summon your inner elephant
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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