It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
