Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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