I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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