there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
