Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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