The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
