I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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