I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
