Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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