I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
