I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
