We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
