i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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