I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
