Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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