I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
