It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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