I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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