I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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