i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
