Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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