I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
