I just pynch a tree in the face
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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