I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
