Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
