My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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