we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
