Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
