end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
