Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
