I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
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