I can feel you judging me through the phone.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
