well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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