only you would photoshop your dick
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
