I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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