Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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