Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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