Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
