I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
