I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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