I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
