Did I show you my penis last night?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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