I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
