Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
