Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
