i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
