I think i peed on brittanys purse
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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