Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
