LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
