Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Drake has all the answers
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
